Harry Potter Parody

Having kind of hit a halt with both of my currect long-term projects, I suddenly found myself sorely tempted to post something completely one-off and random. I know they don't sound anything like their actual characters - they're not meant to! Enjoy and comment, if you please.

1998 (A year after the Battle of Hogwarts)

Ron’s house, Somewhere In Anglia

.. ..

(Ron and Harry apparate into Ron’s house, straight from work at the Auror’s office)

Ron: Hey, why did you come back here from work too?

Harry: Uh, I need to borrow some milk.

Ron: Ok, sure. (Yells down hallway) Hermy, I’m home!

(Hermione appears, barely dressed)

Hermione: Ron!

Ron: Hermione! (Runs down hallway, hugs Hermione)

Harry: Jeez, guys, get a room!

Ron: This is our room!

Harry: Oh yeah.

Ron: I’ve missed you so much!

Hermione: I’ve missed you too!

Harry: Ah, I love a happy reunion.

Hermione: Did I mention I’m leaving you for Malfoy?

Harry: Oh, shucks.

Ron: What? But... Why?

Hermione: You’ve been away for three weeks for work without telling me! Draco came over on Saturday and, well, he helped me realise how miserable you’ve been making me.

Ron: But... But I LOVE you! Give me one good reason you’d choose Malfoy over me!

Hermione: Well, I just gave you one, but ok... You’re a narcissistic, self-centred little bastard who has countless times placed silly things like saving the wizarding world as a higher priority than what I want. You’re an emotionally deficient eighteen-year-old who only ever thinks about sex. We’ve been unofficially engaged for a year and yet you haven’t even pretended to be interested in the wedding. You’re so clingy and single-minded that even though I’ve JUST dumped you, you’re still standing directly under my nose staring at my breasts.

Ron: No I’m not! *Continues standing directly under Hermione’s nose, staring at her breasts*

Hermione: Draco, meanwhile, genuinely pretends to care about me. Plus, he’s black. ‘Nuff said.

Harry: Malfoy isn’t black!

Hermione: WHAT?

Malfoy: (Apparates into room) Hey Minnie, I’ve finished running that bath you – oh, hey, guys.

Harry: Hermione, just answer me this. If you had to leave Ron for anyone, which, I’ll admit, is perfectly reasonable –

Ron: Hey!

Harry: Then why did you have to choose Draco Malfoy, the most hated, arrogant, rich guy ever?

Draco: Well, as it happens, since the sixth year when I was startled by the news that the whole year hated me and that I was meant to be the one to kill Dumbledore, I’ve actually managed to completely turn my life around. Over the summer and the beginning of that seventh year when you didn’t see me, I’ve been staying with a psychiatrist, who has managed to teach me exactly how badly the abuse done to me by my father has affected me. Through this, I’ve managed to overcome my arrogant nature and habit of sneering whenever I said anything. Additionally, I’ve given about seventy percent of my wealth to charities all across the world and disowned my parents, and I’ve been adopted by a non-evil middle-class family in Plymouth. If anyone had actually asked me during that night in the room of requirement, you’d have known that I was just there to stop Crabbe and Goyle from doing anything stupid, and I felt quite offended by how Harry immediately grouped me as a Death Eater. Still, I’m willing to put all that stuff behind me now, and I really hope we can be friends.

Ron: Your phoney I’m-all-clean-and-nice story may fool Hermione, but if you’re so innocent, why have you been seeing my girlfriend in secret?

Draco: Girlfriend? Minnie, you never told me you were seeing anyone else!

Hermione: Uh, I’ll explain later...

Ron: How long has this been going on?

Hermione: Since Saturday, when I saw you’d chosen your job over me one time too many!

Draco: Since when has what been going on? Only, when you said last year that our relationship was completely –

Ron: SINCE LAST YEAR?

Hermione: Draco honey, shut up, you’re not helping.

Ron: You mean every time I held you under the covers since we overthrew You-Know-Who, you’ve been seeing Draco behind my back?

Draco: Held you under the covers? Hey, when I told you I didn’t believe that sex before marriage was moral, you said you felt the same and that -

Hermione: Malfoy, please, I’m having enough trouble with him! These are all lies, all right? This is a bad, bad man who just came out of nowhere and started – look, let’s go somewhere private so that I can explain this properly. You two, out of my house.

(Hermione and Draco go off into other room)

Harry: Does this mean Hermione’s out of Dumbledore’s Army?

Ron: To hell with Dumbledore’s Army! The woman I love just left me for our arch-nemesis! What the hell am I meant to do?

Harry: Oh, don’t worry about it. You can stay with Ginny and me for a couple of weeks. I’m sure she won’t mind.

Ron: Oh yeah, that reminds me, the office game me an owl this morning that was meant to be sent to you.

Harry: Yeah? What did it say?

Ron: Uh, something like “Dear Harry, I love you, but I’m fed up with your arrogance and I’m leaving you for Neville.”

Harry: Oh, snap!